How on EARTH did I get here?

I’m Phillipa, 23yrs old and have about 25kgs 30kgs to lose. I think that’s what this blog is going to be about. That’s what it’s about for now anyway. In a few years maybe I’ll be one of those taught, trim, terrific stay at home mums with 5 rug rats telling you how to make pesticide free, organic, home grown aubergine and hummus quinoa with a side of self righteous relish. Yeah, sky’s the limit.

Anyway.

I’ve always had a few extra kilos. All through school I felt like the fat kid. Everyday. I would wear jumpers in 30degree heat because I would prefer to be hot but wear a ‘slimming’ jumper or vest than feel like my rolls were out there for everyone to see. I hated sport. And I’m not sure that it was really the sport itself I hated. I didn’t mind a game of netball or swimming a few laps. I hated feeling like everyone could see that I was bigger than them, that my stomach stuck out past the waistband of my pants. That my boobs were already a DD cup and there was nothing I could do to hide it. Now, when I look back at photos of myself I realise I wasn’t actually THAT big. Yes, I was bigger than most of the girls in my year and yes I was fatter than I should have been, but I thought I was HUMONGOUS! I really just had a few extra kilos until year 12. I was at my biggest when I was 17 and mum convinced me to sign up for Weight Watchers, which I thought was the most mortifying thing that had ever happened to me. There were two women in the group who worked at my school, who I saw nearly EVERYDAY and omg they were going to KNOW that I was doing Weight Watchers!? Turns out they were awesome. And still are I believe. I lost 16kgs and was SO EFFING HAPPY! Thankyou mum.

I moved to the Gold Coast, had a fab time, was slim and lived with a gorgeous health nut who made me want to stay fit. 18months later I moved back to Newcastle and in with my now fiancé. And oh wow, did we put on the weight. You just get comfy, you know? Pizza and movie nights that I used to have maybe once a month were now once a week. We ate chocolate, we drank, we laid on the lounge and ‘hung out’. All. The. Time. And then, WTF? I’m fat and I don’t fit into any of my clothes.

So here we are, 3 years and 25kgs down the track and I am so over it. I have great fashion sense, but I feel like buying nice clothes is a waste as when I’m slim again I won’t fit into them. And then there’s all the clothes I buy that are too small that are ‘motivation’ and I’ll fit into them when I lose the weight. Yeah I’ve lied to myself about that for 2 years. I’m done, I’m ready to feel GOOD again! We want to get married and go overseas. I feel that I can’t get married because oh what a waste it would be to buy a gorgeous dress and pay thousands of dollars for a photographer when I will feel like a heffalump and won’t ever want to look at the photos?

I WANT TO SHOW THE WORLD THAT I HAVE GREAT FASHION SENSE!

If you’ve gotten this far, well done. I don’t even know if I’m going to show this blog to anyone… Ever. I’m meant to have told everyone about my goals and what I want. But I can’t do that. Not yet. What if I fail again? What if I can’t do it and stay this size, or keep getting bigger? It’s too hard, it’s too shameful. I hope that I can share this with you soon.

{phillipa}

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s