Too fat. Too skinny. Too hard.

I think nearly everyone has probably heard of Rachel Frederickson by now. She is the latest winner of the Biggest Loser US and everyone is saying that she has lost too much weight. I’m not going to comment on her weight loss as I’m not a professional and I really have no idea what I’m talking about. But I think most people and the media are being way too hard on her. Everyone seems to be forgetting that she’s a real person, this isn’t the end of her story even though it’s the end of her time on the Biggest Loser. It’s highly unlikely that she will stay the weight she is now… The Biggest Loser doesn’t teach the contestants about maintaining weight or how to adapt their healthy living to their every day lives. It’s most likely that Rachel will put back on up to half of what she lost – like most contestants.

Reading the news stories and comments about her has made me so happy no one really knows who I am. That must be so hard.

As for me, I’m pretty much at the end of my first 12wbt week. And I think it has gone pretty well! I’ve stuck to the nutrition plan probably 90% and the exercise 100%. I didn’t make a good food choice at Rotary on Thursday night… I had schnitzel parmigiana. Oh well. I’m not going to beat myself up about it, it’s only one meal out of many. Michelle made mention in one of her videos that you need to focus on the big picture. I need to focus on the 12 weeks as a whole and not worry about the couple of slip ups.

This is my life, and if I’m going to keep this up for the entirety of it I need to be able to have a schnitzel every now and then without hating myself 🙂

I’m a little worried about the number of calories I’m burning during my workouts. Apparently I should be burning 400 – 800 calories in a normal workout. Even though I feel like I’m dying during most of my sessions and my body is killing me in the days afterward I’m generally only burning around 300 calories. I’m going to look into it and hopefully it’s something I can work on.

Oh, and today I’ve started the 30 Day Ab & Squat Challenge! I’ll do this after work in my lounge room. I figure that it would be nice once this fat has been stripped away to have some muscle definition under there!


Ready … Set … Wait, what?

Pumped, ready to go, psyched, bring it on!

Actually, I’m hungry.

Apparently I’m currently detoxing. Two days without sugar, caffeine, much in the way of carbs, much in the way of calories for that matter, and I’m hungry and tired and cranky. Yesterday I had a headache ALL FREAKING DAY. I would eat and it would slightly subside, I would drink water and sweet FA happened. The ache finally left me when my head hit the pillow but then oh man did the 5.30am gym sesh come around quickly! It’s not all doom and gloom though. I am so far enjoying the morning workouts with the exception of my current shin splints. I have never ever EVER run on a treadmill before but I did so for the first time yesterday morning 🙂 I’ve purchased a Polar FT60 watch with heart monitor which has arrived in the mail and I am definitely looking forward to giving it a go tomorrow morning. With this I can track my calories burnt, have specific targets created for me and log all of my workouts (amongst other things). Hopefully this will be another motivator and help to keep me on track… Even if the real motivation is that I need to use it everyday to stop my fiancĂ© from yelling at me for how much it cost…

Every week on the 12wbt we have a challenge. This week I need to write a letter to myself answering some specific questions, so here for your reading pleasure –

Dear Phillipa,

It’s two days into the 12WBT and I’m nervous. I’m also excited to see how I go but I feel so much nervous anticipation as well. What if I fail AGAIN? What if I don’t get great results and I just slip back into old habits? What if I do get good results but I can’t stick with it after the round? I don’t want to be unhealthy anymore.
My biggest challenges this round will be my willpower and my ability to deal with my cravings. I am an absolute sucker for peanut M&Ms and coke zero. I honestly think I put on 30kgs of M&Ms. How do I say goodbye to these lovers for 12 weeks? I don’t. I say not so often and not so much Phillipa! My biggest achievement to look forward to will be the weight loss. It will be great to be able to run without feeling like I’m dying and to have a healthy relationship with food, but those achievements will pale in comparison with being able to look easily at myself in the mirror and be happy with what I see.
My fiancĂ© will be my main cheerleader but also my saboteur – he likes junk food and is as adverse to exercise as me! We need to work together. I’ve been given advice along the lines of, “take it slowly”, “don’t make too many changes at once”, “it takes time, look at the long term”. All good advice… All things I’ve been telling myself.

See you on the skinny side!

Oh! Weird point of interest – I really like plain, hard boiled eggs. Random.


Beached Whale

We had a big weekend at Hawks Nest this weekend with two of our best friends – sun, sand, water, alcohol. Not to mention the cheese and crackers, fish and chips, bacon and eggs. It was fantastic… Except for how I felt like a beached whale the whole time. Best friend A cracked a joke about how we needn’t be worried about looking out for sharks, it’s the Japanese Whalers that we need to be concerned with. Hilarious, but devastatingly accurate.

I pulled out my swim suit on Friday morning before work and gave it a go, just to be sure that it still did fit. Yes… But I had to shimmy. I shimmy shimmy shimmied into it again on Saturday morning and lathered my milky skin in SPF 50+ all the while avoiding the mirror and ignoring the lack of support from the skinny shoulder straps. I kept my maxi dress on until we had fully set up our shade, towels, esky and magazines up the quiet end of the beach. The end with less of those happy, skinny, tanned types. I am very lucky that I have a fiancĂ© and two best friends whom I feel completely comfortable with and I know that they don’t care if my tummy is a little flubby or my thighs suffocate touch each other. But I care. Oh god, do I care. Will I be in a bikini next summer? Actually I don’t care so much about that. Do I want to look great in a one piece next summer? You bet I do! I want to be able to walk along the beach in just my swimmers and feel confident. To feel like maybe people are looking at me because I look good, because I look happy. Rather than because of the size of my stomach or how self conscious I obviously am in anything other than a maxi dress and giant sunglasses.

Maybe two years ago I was at the beach for a weekend and I came out of the bedroom in my swimmers and someone close to me looked at me thoughtfully and said, “Is this the biggest you’ve ever been?” I died. I will never forget the embarrassment and devastation I felt in that moment. I brushed off the comment but I felt like it was choking me, like right then my size was definition of who I am… who I have always been and will ever be. I love that person but when I stop and think of that moment I still want to cry. I still resent them for what they said.

12wbt kicks off tomorrow. It’s 10.30pm and I need to be up at 5.30 for the gym. I will never again feel like a beached whale.



Time to Face the Music

Fitness testing for 12wbt yesterday. Woot….

Actually it wasn’t that bad. FiancĂ© and I went to the park and using Map My Run we stepped out 1 km and then I had to run it in the shortest time possible. After that it was as many knee push-ups I could perform without breaking form or pausing, how long could I hold a knee plank, a wall sit and finally how close/far past my toes I am able to reach. Let me tell you – there is room for improvement! Though fiancĂ© says he was proud of me 🙂 . He has never seen me run before and I kind of thought he was going to think it was hilarious (I have no form) but apparently it wasn’t as funny as I thought it was going to be!

Running 1km is hard when you rarely run. I was standing there looking at the field thinking, “yeah, I can run that. Three laps isn’t that far.” Oh man, was it far. 10 metres in I realised I had no idea what I was doing. At the beginning of last year I was attending a boot camp twice a week which involved a lot of running but I seem to have completely lost whatever fitness and running ability those workouts gave me. Oh dear Phillipa, what are we going to do with you? I’ve been given goals to reach for each test when I do it all again in week four and they seem very achievable. I seriously can’t wait for Monday and for all of this to really kick off.

I know the hardest part of all of this will be the mental aspect. I can cook and I do enjoy lots of vegetables and salad so that will be fine… Once I’m into a workout I really enjoy it, especially the absolutely exhausted, know-I-tried-my-hardest jelly legs feeling afterward. But getting out of bed 1.5hrs earlier… Not just eating whatever chocolate or takeaway I feel like as soon as that craving hits me… Getting past that and dealing with it will be so difficult. Just this once. Just this one. Just today. Just until Monday. I’ll eat better next week. This is why I need a forum and accountability.

I am so sick of feeling uncomfortable at the beach and while out with friends. I’m so over not fitting into all of the cute size 12 dresses in my wardrobe. But I don’t want to be a stick. I don’t need to be one of the girls where you can TELL they workout all the time. I don’t need obvious abdominal muscles or perfect thighs or the most amazing arse. I just want to be slim and toned. I NEED to be healthy.

Bring on my new body!



For the 12wbt we need to set two mini milestones and one major milestone in weeks 4, 8 and 12 respectively. I’ve been trying to figure out what my mini and big goals will be – and I think my big thing at the end of the 12 weeks will be to do the 12km course of the Maitland River Run on the 3rd/4th of May. For someone who never runs this will be a big deal for me!

My mini milestone for week 4 is to do the Carey’s Peak Walk at Barrington Tops (8km, 2.5hrs one way at altitude) and I think my fiancĂ© and some friends will join me. I’m looking for other small things to do locally in week 8, anything around the Hunter Valley/Newcastle is fine. Does anyone have any suggestions?

I can’t wait to get to these weeks. I want to see what I can do once I’ve been working out, and then maybe repeat these things in the next 12wbt round and either beat my time or just recover more quickly. For me, I know that I need a lot of motivation and to have something serious to work toward. I can’t try and lose weight and have it just to be slimmer and to fit into some clothes. Those are great to work toward but for some reason (this has been proven to me!) they’re just not reason enough. Having my partner walking with me up Carey’s Peak and relying on me to get there so that he can too, or promising to complete the River Run and having Matt take the day off work to do it with me – I want to be fitter to complete these challenges!

So my fiancĂ© and I have decided to make February a sober and soft drink free month. We consume A LOT of soft drink and cutting out the alcohol will definitely be difficult for him. The amount of sugar I consume daily/weekly in soft drink must be massive. Ok I just worked it out. Shit. Michelle Bridges says that one glass of soft drink contains 9 teaspoons of sugar and I probably have two a day if you average it out… That’s 126 teaspoons. That’s about 2 and a half CUPS of sugar per WEEK. Ahh I’m pretty sure I want to get rid of that!

How many kilos would I lose just by cutting alcohol and soft drink out of my diet? How many would you lose?